Sexuality lives in the ‘shadow’ of our Western culture

What I mean by 'shadow' 

is something that has been repressed or denied

and thus fallen into the 'shadow' of what we experience 

‘How can this be with sex?’  one might ask.

‘Is not sexuality everywhere?’

Yes, but how could this be?

 

Carl Jung once said

“When a thing is repressed or denied, it happens outwardly as fate”

Our culture is a grand example of 

repressed sexuality

now happening outwardly as 'fate'

The erotic now shows its presence everywhere

in a near limitless exhibition

 

Look at the magazines with their erotic ads

Look how a sex scandal grabs the headlines and attention of our culture

even more than war (at least one in a foreign country)

 

Look at the fantastic 'success' of porn on the internet

Even the selling of a car or a tire in America

might have a sexily clad woman associated with the product

(One of the criticisms from many in the Muslim world

is that we in the West treat women

as sexual objects

and as a sexual commodity

Not as something or someone

to be protected and cherished by the culture.

Of course, one can find the abuse of women in many Muslim cultures as well).

 

Sex is right out in front of each of us in the West

in 'front' of everyone

but still

I suggest that sex lies in the 'shadow'

Sex is not well 'considered'

it is not really taught in our schools

investigated thoroughly as a phenomenon

discussed in our families

or even amongst friends

 

And,

Even when sex is considered

and given image and expression,

it is taken out of the greater 'context' of

the great Wisdom traditions of the world

I refer to the ones that have looked at sex directly,

thoroughly, completely

without any false prudery, romantic sensitivity

or repressive or indulgent reactions

(Look at the images of Khajuraho Temple, India)

 

In the West, there is very little

known of the many

expressions of sexuality

 

There is very little of any wisdom tradition

surrounding sexuality at all

in the outlands of our modern day 

industrial and post-industrial culture

 

And,

Just because a person is adventurous

when it comes to sex does not mean that much;

they could be conservative, uptight, shut down, repressive or stupid

in many other areas of their life

 

Sexuality has been repressed

and when something

that has been repressed

finally does comes out,

it shows all the signs of something that was unloved . . .

like a child uncared for

unschooled

undeveloped

unsophisticated

a garden untended

and now run amok

 

We have seen the expressions of something repressed

burst forth in wild

un-cultured, immature and reactive ways

lacking in refinement

unconnected to the rest of life

 

Because

like anything repressed,

 

you don't really have 'it'

'it' has you

as it has fallen out of touch with the conscious ego

and exists independently

on it's own

autonomous

and therefore, 'it' will have its own way with you

driving you to do things as if 'you' were asleep at the wheel

 

We see it in the sexual scandals that have plagued the Catholic church

We see it in the erotic indulgences (now made public)

that have plagued congressional lawmakers and presidents

We see it in the hypocrites and people who have repressed themselves

and told others to do so as well

 

We observe it in those who have tried hard to not indulge

We see it in those who have indulged

We see it in all sorts and 'unsuspected' types and individuals

and of course

we must see it in ourselves

 

We see it in the adolescent acting out of all ages

in the exaggerated sexual theatre of dress and style

of the young hipsters

or so many celebrities

 

These are the results of repression

 masquerading as freedom

But, it is only a reaction

that has come out of the shadow

where sex lives in the West

 

We see sexuality repressed

amongst the so-called heterosexual straights

going hand and hand

showing the repression of the erotic altogether

in their me-and-you honey-pie-special cult of pairings

 

And

we can see it

in the less dramatic, in the more culturally acceptable,

reserved,

in those less driven to the body's sensual pleasures

But here it takes a different style

Here we see

true love denied

and find instead the

expressions

of romance and sentimentality

which permeate our culture

and only masquerade as love

 

I found myself feeling into what is erotic,

'looking' at sex since I was a young boy

 

I was very attracted to girls

But

this attraction

and my sexuality

(as well as sexuality itself)

was not 'considered' by any adult around me

 

No one gave me any wisdom or insight into sex

or eros

or girls

or men

or women

or how this heightened feeling of eros passes,

coming and going with attention

 

No one taught me

what to make of it

what to do with it

No one knew

 

No one told me

what to do with it

how to 'do' it

how they did it

how others did it

when to do it

whether to 'do' it at all

or why

and

what 'it' was all about

 

It was an unexamined mystery

women were different than men

men were different than women

How?

Who knew?

 

No one sang me the stories of what had been done

how the dance was performed

what steps were taken

 

Sex was the elephant in the room

that no one ever spoke of

But

girls were attractive to me

and sex

and everything about it

was mysterious

and beckoned

with the allure of a great and delicious secret

and

 

Eventually

after many years

of repression

seeking to become religious and trying to be sexless

I had the growing sense 

that such denial would never end

and

I would need to go on denying sex forever

and I felt that this could not and should not be done

 

and

finally

purposefully

I gave in

to the 'overwhelming' erotic force of life

and

let go

 

After all

what else could I do

I saw around me that no one had 'solved' the issue

none of my friends had done so

No one I saw in the media

 

Sex was not just about me

and my desires

it seemed to come from outside myself

I did not bring it on

it arose all by itself

my desire

was mysterious in its origin

Perhaps it was Divine

 

and so

 

following paths of desire

I took a journey

like someone might go to a foreign country

or climb a mountain

or explore a wilderness

or raft a river

and

I traveled to the far-flung 'exotic' areas of sexuality

that were rare and not often explored

even by those who were

OK with sex in general.

 

I visited

areas that our general culture

had completely repressed and denied

 

I shared the company of prostitutes and pimps

of twosomes and threesomes

of orgies of various kinds

I had nights of sublime pleasure

enjoying the look, feel, smell and play

of a beautiful woman who loved me

showering me with a thousand and one

delights and moods

 

in all of  which I poured out praise upon her

and we melted and soared in pleasure

 

I lived nights that went on until the dawn showed itself in the sky

and even our exhaustion was pleasurable

Many wonderful nights of delight I passed in this way

How beautiful it all was

I am filled with gratitude for all those I loved physically

and those who loved me

 

And there were difficult nights as well

and

all my exploration and adventures

were

ultimately unfulfilling

even though they lightened

 the sexual 'shadow'

of the culture I lived in

 

After a youth in which I not only avoided sexuality

but tried to become a monk,

 

“Lord Shiva Keep me away from sensuous women

who have set out to mesmerize me

with their enchanting and voluptuous bodies.”

 

                                                             - Sri Satakam, 69th Sloka, by Sri Narayana Guru          

​​

 . . . eventually

like an arrow drawn back on a bow

with great force

my repressed desiring was released

as it always must and will be for anyone

For after all;

Who could stop such a river? Who could swallow the ocean?

Stop the tides

Who could defy nature?

 

And so,

I went forth

and bathed with great intention

and

purposefully

in those sexually alluring tirthas of eros

to see if my eyes would be cleansed

or blinded

to feel if my heart would be healed

or hurt

to know if all would be finally resolved

or suffered

I knew no other way to go

 

I had tried to be a monk

but

 had attained no final ease or realization

with the ways, teachers and teachings of repression

nor had I met anyone who had

 

There was simply no great authority I recognized

having left that narrow path

and

having few boundaries that I still respected

as good or necessary

(for I had seen too many failures and hypocrites,

myself among them)

and having

little wisdom in this field

from experience, story or learning

 

I went

and made my many 'mistakes'

the best and time-honored way to learn;

in worlds that few had reported back from

at least the few that I knew

 

Certainly no one with a background in religious studies

someone who was seeking 'God'

someone who came from 'good' parents

No one I knew had left good signs of their passage where I now traveled

 

I went into sex enthusiastically

intentionally

unafraid of any or all of it

It was a grand adventure

I let loose of all that I was holding onto

and fell

 

and here are some of the stories of my 'falling'

into the pools

of the erotic world

 

These represent but a small consideration

a few of the many

I hope to one day share

 

Perhaps

I can shine some light on this area of life by telling these tales

a light that was never given to me as a young man

and with the help of the metaphors of the erotic

look more clearly

at the questions and mysteries of life

that show themselves uniquely in the erotic

 

Perhaps I can give a young person some useful information

some ancient questions,

some rare permissions,

some wonderful wisdom,

even if I recount only the mistakes that I made

 

I discovered at the very least

a wisdom of errors

that was never given to me

 

A story can sometimes enrich

the experiences

we have already had

and

in this way

a story can even change our past

 

When I let go

I saw

that many had 'fallen' this way before

I was certainly not the first

But, now

I experienced my own dilemmas

I lived out unique paradoxes

I reached dead ends

and

came to my own conclusions

or paradoxes

about it all

 

And

what I felt and thought

seemed more rare

than I suspected

 

Certainly

We must each make our minds

and clarify our hearts

but

we must have the experience

and

to do that well and truly

we must have a good story

of

deep understanding and wisdom

to go along with our experience

 

Both experience and understanding are needed

like the two wings that a bird

needs to fly

 

I am thankful that my study of

the religious traditions of the world

has given me many wonderful stories and understanding

to bring to the

bed of my experiences

I am thankful for the great Teachers

and the Great Teacher I have encountered

 

Many of those who sought God or happiness

wrestled with sexuality

and then told about it

But

They all do not have the same lesson to teach

 

After my exploration of the erotic

I feel and believe

it does not matter

if one indulges or does not

if one is straight or gay

kinky or normal

exotic or local

It does not matter at all

not in the least

it does not make any

difference

 

One way

or the other

(and there are many)

'Truth' is not found in sex

'Truth' is not found in the erotic

and

'Truth' is not found

apart from them either

 

The importance of having explored and done a thing

is that it no longer has the same fascination of the 'forbidden'

It has simply become part of myself

 

and

 

It no longer promises anything that I have not already tasted

(although the wide-open field of possibilities never goes away)

it does not, like any experience whatsoever

bring Happiness or Liberation

 

I know better now

and only

from the dead ends of my own experience . . .

 

Like everything else in my life

sex has been wonderful and painful

delightful and depressing

ecstatic and sad

 

I have even found that I am not 'sexual'

In the depth of being

 

I seem to be neither man nor woman

and in that depth

I am oriented

more and more to devotion

 

Ultimately

all of this has been another way

to consider

God

or

the mystery

in which we live

 

 

"Meditate on lust. Not the cheap sentiment of jiggling fat,

but imagine your lover laid out before you, vibrant, and waiting.

Now, meditate on My Presence, the presence of Reality Itself.

Are they different? No. 

This is a misunderstood and secret teaching:

true lust is a form of worship,

not different from the bodily enjoyment of divinity."

 

- Adi Da Samraj

 

 

Here are some of my meditations: